Through Darkness...

     Have you ever had to navigate your way through a strange dark room at night? I remember being a little kid and spending the night at someone else's house, and inevitably I'd have to use the restroom after dark while my friend (my ally) would be soundly sleeping. Without turning on the lights, I would begin creeping my way across the room slowly and quietly while my arms were extended to try to feel my way through the darkness. At the same time, my mind would try to map out what it looked like prior to the pitch, and my poor eyes would strive to adjust amidst the shadows. There was a goal set to accomplish, and it had to be done.

  Sometimes, and recently, life unexpectedly turns the lights off on you. Will you press forward, being willing to trip and stumble while reaching for the goal?  If your map comes from the Lord in the form of faith and his word, choose to keep stepping; do not panic and freeze. Call to him, and he will answer you; he will guide you. You might get aggravated and demand for those lights to turn back on so that you can see! Even though that won't happen in your timing, eventually the dawn breaks.

     We've all heard that joy comes in the morning, and it's absolutely true. It's not until you look back on that lit room to discover all of the obstacles that you overcame and dodged. You realize how much worse it could have been, and you can see where you had the most difficulty. But, it's behind you, and you leaned from it. The darkness doesn't stop coming, but we can get use to making our way through it, even when it's a brand new place of faith.

   

We ARE Different

   
       When you jump back onto a blog ten years later, a lot of things change. For us, the most obvious change has been the number of people in our family. For those who don't know, our family essentially doubled when we began our journey of foster care several years ago. Before your instinctive responses kick in, "Oh, that's amazing," "I could never do that," "You guys are saints," let me assure you might be right! Did I just say that? I sure did. There is something that sets families apart who are knee deep in foster care, sacrifice.

     Are you still sure that you want to keep reading? I've been told more than once that I'm too blunt sometimes, but here is where it gets interesting.

     Most folks don't start out their early adulthood wanting to do much for other people. They're usually interested in building their life an family. Sure, they stop once in a while to help others, as long as it doesn't require too much sacrifice or growth, within their own bubble. Foster care is the complete opposite of that. The bubble has to readjust every time a new child comes into your home, and we all know that growth hurts. Foster care hurts you (if you're doing it right). Whether a part of the system or not, the vast majority of people outright judge you for your choices, responses and even sacrifices.

     Sacrifice Number One: People.
          When people do not understand something, they usually judge it to see where their opinion might fall. Then, they usually become an expert on their own opinions, right? We expect those judgments and opinions to come from those whom do not know us, but you'll begin to hear and see responses from friends and family, too! Lets also not forget the people within the system. The majority are understanding and supportive, but once in a while you come across those who have forgotten or just never had it (the understanding of what a foster parent is, why we do it & the sacrifices made to continue).  In turn, the foster family will put distance between themselves and those people to preserve themselves. Instead, we might cling to our own, families who foster or keep a selected few close to us to keep us sane and focused.

     Sacrifice Number Two: Places.
          Let us begin with the obvious, most families who foster have children who don't match them. People will notice this, and they begin to ask questions. It's not the questions that bother me, for sure. It is the comments after the questions that can scrape at my nerves. If one must count the number of children in a group, do so quietly without pointing. Is that even possible? How is it that most people function on a daily basis of being able to count closed mouthed without fingers or expression when it comes to mundane items, but as soon as one must count humans they become animated and verbal? But, let me focus back onto places, pardon my rabbit hole. Where do I even begin: restaurants, hotels, amusement parks, the movies, and many other places that require a lot of money or room, these places are a given, because even average sized families don't frequent them often. It's not that we never go, we just show up with coupons in hand or perhaps at a group rate discount, or when kids eat free!  But, do you know one of the places where we must be quite selective: churches and places of worship. Is that surprising? Childcare for our a-typical children, rooms full of well meaning conversationalists, and sermons stacked full of doing more for others when you're almost tapped out from the week prior are just a few pieces to the puzzle we must consider when choosing where our safe places will be. Does this make us unapproachable? Not at all, and you don't even have to offer to babysit! Just talk with us like any other family there, and steer clear of the story of that one foster child you heard of growing up that was bipolar and burned a house down on your block.

     Sacrifice Number Three. Things.
            Most people will sacrifice things if they have any children, anyway. However, when you become a seasoned foster parent, you will realize how keeping up appearances becomes obsolete. Therefore, your desire to get things and keep them pristine will either dissolve into acceptance or become a distant memory of who you once were. I keep telling myself that we'll have or do that later on in life. Our massive van will be messy as quick meals will be eaten there as we rush to support another during a life event or practice.We'll get around to painting the crayon marks, holes in the wall and scuffed doors someday, and one day my couch won't be stained, and bedrooms will be carefully designed and fresh. For now, we're living in a home and making memories.  We are parenting children through their trauma, and things are just things! I told my child (while his 8 year old roommate was destroying the bedroom during a tantrum of anger at life) that anything that breaks, we'll fix or buy another. For the things that we truly care about, aren't really things at all!

      Sacrifice Number Four and Five: Time and Money.
          See prior paragraphs. Parenting takes both of these things, and when you are parenting multiple children that have suffered loss and trauma, it takes even more of these things. So, if you begin your journey without a large flowing income from your own fortune 500, you won't be ending it with it, either.

     This is the part where I'm supposed to wrap everything up in a pretty bow and state something like the sacrifices are all worth it. Not that the statement isn't true, but sometimes there isn't a happy ending. Sometimes, you question if it was or is all worth it (especially when there is zero recognition or thank you's & you get dumped on more of your fair share of the time!). But for some reason, a lot of us keep going (even when discouraged by others to do so). This has become who we are, and we are OK with it. We set aside the glitter of our society, the trappings of promise of fulfillment and enticement of comparison of others. So, ya, maybe we're different, and maybe you couldn't do it. That's OK. We'll do it for you, but maybe extend some encouragement from time to time and hold the judgment. Perhaps, throw a gift card our way for a night out or a grocery store run? Maybe, that's how you can be different from everyone else.

   

   

TEN Years?!

The other day, I had a notification in my email inbox asking me if I'd still like to moderate comments on a blog (a blog that I had honestly forgotten that even existed!). Intrigued, I spent a few good hours trying to figure out old email addresses and passwords that would allow me to access this blog, once again!

Time warp, man, that doesn't even cover what it was like to relive these posts as I read through them! Since I've posted, I have gained FIVE children (and a dog, cat and two goldfish -may they rest in peace-). We became foster parents; we've moved THREE times, and we've had more hurdles and memories that have pushed us to this point on our journey together as a family. 

I look back, and I laugh at what my children said and did (yes, I laugh at when my daughter got into trouble & threw fits!). Also, I cringe a little about how much I complained about things that I should have never taken for granted, but I give myself some grace because I remember how hard some of those days really were on me. 

The growth that is evident in me is actually quite outstanding, and I never would have been able to experience this revelation if it weren't for those moments that I sat down to my virtual therapist to lay out my thoughts, frustrations, memories and moments. 

Here's to another ten years of writing and documenting real life, reflections and making more memories! 

It's been so long!

Where do I even begin? It has been so long since I've sat down to update this blog...Here is my best attempt:

Two of my kids had birthdays in August. They're growing so fast, and I love them more and more each day.

My youngest has started preschool. He loves it. I love it, and he's a super cutie!

We're still in the process of becoming a foster family in our community. Our fingerprints (everyone's fingerprints) have been held up & we're waiting for those to come back to become officially licensed.

I went to a conference for worship leaders. I loved it. It was so amazing to be in a room full of musicians, praising God through song and sound. I also got to hear Matt Chandler deliver an awesome message one evening that I'll always remember.

That's pretty much what has been going on since my last visit.

It's Over

Summer is over and the school year has begun!

There were tears (only from me the night before, but still), excitement (lets see how long this lasts) and anticipation floating around our house this morning. I awoke to three children up, two dressed and their teeth all brushed (before breakfast...so they got to brush twice this morning).

My Little Big Guy headed off to his classroom with ease, and we headed to the Kindergarten class room for my Little Lovely. She is as tough as nails, and she's hasn't cried about me leaving since she was eighteen months old. However, when she got to her quiet classroom, I saw the face. She wanted to be brave so badly. I know those eyes (the "I want to cry so much right now, but I just won't" eyes). This caught me so off guard, but I reassured her with a smile and a, "I'll see you soon, sweetie. Have a good day!". She gave me a tiny pitiful wave, and I headed back to the car. I heart broke, but now I needed to put on my brave face for my Little Guy who was heading home with me (not to mention that I didn't want the be that parent lingering in the hall with misty eyes).

I can't wait to pick them up to hear about their day at school. This house is just too quiet!

Three Weeks To Go

Well, our family vacation is over. It was wonderful, and now it's back to reality. In three short weeks, school will start back up for the kids. We'll have to slow down for school zones. Life will turn back into a whirlwind of calendars, scheduling, homework and projects. Seriously, ever year I think about going back to homeschooling my kids again, and I would if I ever saw anything that effected their academics or behavior at home. So far, the teachers and school has been great.

And with school fresh in your mind now, let me say that we went back to school shopping for supplies this evening. Now, if that doesn't slap you in the face that school is around the corner then nothing will!

Still Summer

What have we been doing lately? Well, it's summer break, and we've been doing a whole lot of nothing (as it should be). We've been laying low for a week or so before busy sets in. Soon we'll be running to vacation Bible school, basketball camps and vacation spots.

I still haven't heard a child say that they're bored, yet (this may be a record for us).

Stephen and I are continuing to take classes on domestic adoption and we have seven (I think) classes left. We end right when school picks up again, so the adults don't get a break this year (shocking). We're enjoying this new date night of sorts. Before class, we grab some dinner and head in to the class a little early. We pick our table and eat while others file in. Any time is quality time, right?

So summer, so far you've been good to us, and we appreciate it. Thanks for not slapping us with sunburns and boredom...we really do love having you around, and we wish that you could stay longer!

It's Here...

Summer, it's here! Today is our first day at home where we didn't have to wake up early (well, we did because everyone is still on a school schedule inner clock) and keep moving until evening baths and bedtimes. No one has mumbled that they're bored (yet), and I think that puts us in a good position to have a wonderful summer break. Here is what I've planned to battle the boredom:

1) Dentist appointments (whoo hoo, I know...but the pediatric dentist is almost like a trip to Sea World with the theme in this office)

2) Basketball Camp (and MAYBE a staycation in there for the ones not attending)

3) Vacation (We're planning a theme park, aquarium, fireworks and the beach)

4) Work Books (have to keep what they've learned fresh in their brains)

5) Baking (always have supplies stashed for emergencies)

6) The pool (always a winner)

7) The Beach (we're only 30 minutes away)

8) Movies (I heart Netflix!)

9) Getting Lost (my friend let me in on this last summer...get in the car with the kids & act like I'm lost, but in reality we're just having a mini road trip around the area)

10) Vacation (to see some mountains)

I'm looking forward to it...I guess that I'll be blogging later about how my plans go!

Oh Ya....

Kids go through different stages. I have three kids, and you'd think that I know this by now. Apparently, I'm rather hard headed or suffer from amnesia. My youngest has started to turn up his nose at dinner time. I could be serving his most favorite, junky thing and he'd tell that that he didn't want it. I start out feeling quite confident that I can handle such a minor situation. Then, the time ticks by an hour has passed, he still hasn't eaten; my nerves are shot, and I am even at the point of tears (suppressed of course). I don't want to yell. I don't want to make dinner time un-enjoyable for everyone. Where's my 50's TV version of the family around the dinner table talking about their day? I take a breath, pray (yes, actually pray to God that I can control myself), and realize that things aren't in black in white around here but in color (symbolic, isn't it). Again, kids go through stages. This too shall pass. And day, he's wife will be writing on a blog about getting her kids to eat....

It's not JUST for the kids!

While driving in the car yesterday, I asked my son if he knew what Friday was. "Yes, it's earth day."-he said. This took a moment for me to register. Then the guilt set in. He didn't know off of the top of his head that this Friday is Good Friday. Other questions set in, "Does he even know what that means?" "Am I not teaching him?"...

Instead of a freak out moment, I used this as a teaching/reminding moment. I shared with him the death, burial and resurrection of Christ. I explained that Jesus died on the cross on what we call Good Friday, and that it is Good because it was to cover all of our sins.

I love these moments with the kids! Not only do I get to share with the ones whom I love the most about Christ...but I get to be reminded why we celebrate different holidays, pray and follow the Bible. It's not just for the kids!

All Aboard!

We're on the potty train! My third charm has been potty training for several days now (enough said, but I'll keep writing) and here is my list of thoughts about it all (yup, I think about it...all potty all the time):

1) M&M's work wonders (one candy at a time)

2) ALWAYS keep the washing machine on standby

3) Stock up on Clorox Wipes

4) Thank the heavens for tile floors

5) I'm grosser than I give myself credit for

6) The potty victory dance is REAL

7) I drop EVERYTHING when I hear, "need to potty"

8) Tiny underpants are adorable

9) Carry extra clothes & plastic bag with you at all times

10) Have a sticker chart for back up in case M&M's fail

11) It's like having a puppy in the house (their not allowed on the furniture or carpets)

12) Can I really be sad over not changing diapers anymore? I'm sick....

Phase II

So, I've been thinking about making this my "family's" blog and having another one for just me and my thoughts, etc....We'll see how that goes. My blog will be here: http://faithfulheartwhispers.blogspot.com

My Sweetie Pie Princess

My little girl has been so lovely and sweet lately! She's really growing up and maturing (at the ripe 'ol age of 4). She's the hardest of my three to discipline (because she's so much like me). However, it's always so rewarding to see her make the right choices (that's progress...she's learning...I'm doing something right...she IS listening!). That's why I'm taking her out tomorrow for a girl's day. We're getting her some Sketchers ("I've just been dreaming about Sketchers, Mommy, for such a long time..."), share a smoothie ("Smoo-dee"), and watch a movie (or get her nails done...she can't decide). I love being a mom. I love being her mom, and I love that God has blessed me with each day that I'm here to enjoy them!

Anxiety...

We've all had fear wave over us from time to time (the honesty starts here, people). However, I know that this is something that I struggle with. It started after my grandmother passed away (I still miss her terribly) from a battle with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma (gulp, very scary word right there). I heard of the pain and sorrow that she carried, and it left me scarred (heavy stuff, I know).

Fast forward life a bit, my husband was diagnosed with Stage II melanoma (fine now, and has a very handsome scar), and two years ago I was thrown on a roller coaster of Post Partum Preeclampsia. I was too be celebrating the arrival of my healthy son's birth, but instead, I was in the hospital fighting for my life. I'm still using medication to this day because of it (yea, blood pressure meds).

Anywho, with all of this baggage I now tend to fly off of the handle when faced with health abnormalities (I mean, we are the picture of the abnormal...Webster called and wants our family photo next to the definition). I do my best to trust in the Lord (the verse is even on the wall in my bathroom...love vinyl lettering). I still struggle. That's why I just ask for prayer when craziness is thrown my way. I don't feel like I'm strong enough to keep it together under pressure. That's how everyone knows when I'm at the doctor (for yet another test or procedure...see above abnormality magnet comment)

...My latest affliction: armpits. They (my left more than my right) hurt (sore, uncomfortable, ache...no lumps, no bumps, no rash...TMI?) and I'll be asking my doctor about it soon (because I can't just ignore it...).

Here's a request cool cucumbers, give us scardy cats a break, will ya? I am so jealous of your types that breeze by life without as much as a cold to trip you up, and the fact that you can pass off a pain in your side (that's been nagging for months) and not think about it. I wasn't made that way (the Lord knows how he made me...c-r-a-z-y). Just thank God that you don't have my useless storage of medical information (I totally missed my calling as Dr. House), and get a good night's sleep for me!

Love Love LOVE

If I could slow life down, this would be the time...this right here.

~We're settling into a home that has enough room for all of us (yup, TWO bathrooms!) AND has a dishwasher (do you really know what a luxury that is?). ~We're all healthy (now that I've typed that the ball is going to drop, but for right now...). ~ My two year old is hilarious & the whole family is loving that he's a part of our family (serious cuteness!) ~ My daughter has been eating meals well & acting so sweetly to others (see previous blog posts if this sounds like no big deal) ~ My oldest has found a sport that he loves; he hasn't had a headache in a while, either! (another great kid) ~ My husband is back working five day work weeks instead of four... God has blessed us. I totally see it and am so very thankful. I want to blog more about how much I love sitting outside on our back patio to just sit in our wonderful chairs (that are EXACTLY like my grandparent's deck chairs that I loved so much) and look at the tree line, sky and grass...feeling the lake breeze and just breath...this is a great time in my life and God still has something better to come, wow!

I love it....life....

Lack of Faith? ME?

Wow. What a day. First off, let me start out by updating you about my visit to the surgeon today. I told myself all day that I wasn't going to break down in this office & show tears (so you know that means that I totally cried, right?). I held it all in until I sat down with the nurse (lucky her). After the initial new patient run through I was escorted to the ultrasound room & got into a gown and waited. I prayed; I counted ceiling tiles; I prayed, and I stared at a piece of art on the wall, too. The doctor knocked on the door & came in. She asked me about my visit with the OBGYN last Thursday & proceeded to examine me. First, she felt around the opposite breast that wasn't causing the trouble. Then, she started on the other side. I held my breath and kept praying. She looked perplexed; I looked concerned over her perplexion (Yep, now I'm making up words). "I don't feel anything here. Am I looking in the right area?" she questioned. "Ummm...I'm not sure, maybe" I fumbled. The doctor then reached for the ultrasound wand. She searched, moved it around and told me that nothing was there. Everything looked perfectly normal (even those pesky lymph nodes that freak me out). She searched my armpit, all the same. HUH? WHAAA? A.W.E.S.O.M.E! She told me that she'd like to see me again in six months to double check everything, but she was pleased with not finding anything. I got to leave the office without a needle touching my skin. God answered my prayer...but what was that prayer in the first place? While breathing a sigh of relief and praising God in the car a thought hit me right between the eyes while I was writting an email. "God answered my most fleeting prayer"....Sure, I prayed to God over all of this. I prayed that it wouldn't be cancer. I prayed that I could handle myself if a cyst needed draining. I prayed that I'd be comforted. I prayed for peace...but what else? I prayed the words "....or just make it go away, Lord." Here's the issue. I mumbled those words a few times, but I don't think that I actually thought that it would happen. Where was my faith? I thought that I totally put my faith in Jesus, but I fell short. I uttered those words with the smallest piece of faith behind them (ya, insert the mustard seed passage here)...did I put God in that small box and really think that I could control the outcome by manipulating a prayer (if I pray this way... A + B = C, right?). I didn't even realize the lack of my faith (I'm sorry, Lord...I confess it)... May I learn from this. May I use the words that I pray carefully, and have faith behind every single word, too.

Rolling With the Punches

Sometimes, I just feel a bit beat up. Then again, I realize that there are a lot of people out there who have it worse than me. Here's my latest...
Last Thursday I went to my yearly OBGYN exam (fun times). While there, I asked her about some pain (in my armpit & breast) that I've been having. She did a physical exam & found a "nodule" (great). She then proceeded to tell me that I needed to see the surgeon (and soon) to get this checked out (super great).
Well, I'm heading in on Monday at 1:00 to a breast specialist & surgeon to get this diagnosed. Here's my silver lining: The surgeon is a mammogram specialist as well & will be able to tell me right away what's going on (instead of waiting for someone else to read the tests & call me back)... Ya, that's all of the silver lining that I've got right now....I'm praying that I'll be updating this blog tomorrow with good news!

I'm Sold!

Normally, I can't stand Valentines Day. I would get all worked up and hopeful about the day (even as a child), only to be let down that no one professed their undying love/affection for me & that they'd be admiring me from afar (Ya, I blame movies and TV for that. Why not? Everyone else has a scapegoat these days). So, I just renamed it Charles Dicken's Day (because we all carry Great Expectations around on that day...get it?).

Alright, now that we've established that I'm a little bitter about that day and would rather ignore it I want to share that this one was pretty great! (As if you didn't see that one coming). Here's what happened:

1) I woke up to a card and my favorite candies (Ferrero Rocher's)

2) My family had a very nice dinner together (that I didn't cook!) that consisted of courses (fancy, I know).

3) My daughter and I got flowers from my husband (Getting flowers was awesome, but seeing my daughter's reaction was priceless & precious)

4) My son gave the family a valentine that he made & wrote a poem in ( I love that kid)

5) I was given fancy cupcakes from a bakery (so so so GOOD)

6) My mom and I watched a chick flick movie together

What a great day, right? Maybe, I'll let Valentine's Day come again next year!

More Test Results

We've gotten more test results back from Little Guy's MRI and lab work. I've been holding my breath hoping and praying for the best, and God has blessed us again with good news. His labs don't indicate anything suspicious, and his MRI is clear of any masses. However, he does have a stubborn case of sinusitis. It's what is probably causing the weird eye issues. Our neurologist told me that she suspects that it was related to something viral or muscular that was causing the brain to "neglect" the muscles that work the eye.

We'll be heading back to our pediatrician to treat the sinusitis with a hardy round of antibiotics! Praise the Lord!

Parenting Experiments

The road of being a parent is uncertain. One minute you're swerving past a mere pot hole or speed bump and the next you have to stop and figure out how to cross at an unclear path. Which direction do we go, or how do we get through this?

My latest small speed bump, meals & eating. My two year old (since being sick) has decided to not eat anything good for him and to live on crackers alone (and PB, goldfish, raisins, juice and milk). At first, I was concerned, but now I've realized that this new habit derived from me caving when he wasn't feeling good and letting him eat whatever he wanted all throughout the day. I mean, if I could get away with eating only my favorite things whenever I wanted and someone would actually bring it to me, no questions asked, I'd do it, too!

My plan of attack, scheduling. I seem to tackle every issue with a schedule or lists. I'm not allowing but one snack during the day, and if he doesn't eat the food he's given for the three meals a day, that's it, nothing more. I'm hoping that this will make him hungry at dinner time. Lately, he hasn't touched his food and won't try it. I was thinking that if a person is hungry enough they'll eat, and if were anything more (medically speaking) he'd loose weight, and we'd cross that bridge when we come to it.

Yes, a new plan of action. It just goes to show that no matter what else is going on around you (school, projects, moving, EEG's, MRI's and such) life is moving on....