Lack of Faith? ME?

Wow. What a day. First off, let me start out by updating you about my visit to the surgeon today. I told myself all day that I wasn't going to break down in this office & show tears (so you know that means that I totally cried, right?). I held it all in until I sat down with the nurse (lucky her). After the initial new patient run through I was escorted to the ultrasound room & got into a gown and waited. I prayed; I counted ceiling tiles; I prayed, and I stared at a piece of art on the wall, too. The doctor knocked on the door & came in. She asked me about my visit with the OBGYN last Thursday & proceeded to examine me. First, she felt around the opposite breast that wasn't causing the trouble. Then, she started on the other side. I held my breath and kept praying. She looked perplexed; I looked concerned over her perplexion (Yep, now I'm making up words). "I don't feel anything here. Am I looking in the right area?" she questioned. "Ummm...I'm not sure, maybe" I fumbled. The doctor then reached for the ultrasound wand. She searched, moved it around and told me that nothing was there. Everything looked perfectly normal (even those pesky lymph nodes that freak me out). She searched my armpit, all the same. HUH? WHAAA? A.W.E.S.O.M.E! She told me that she'd like to see me again in six months to double check everything, but she was pleased with not finding anything. I got to leave the office without a needle touching my skin. God answered my prayer...but what was that prayer in the first place? While breathing a sigh of relief and praising God in the car a thought hit me right between the eyes while I was writting an email. "God answered my most fleeting prayer"....Sure, I prayed to God over all of this. I prayed that it wouldn't be cancer. I prayed that I could handle myself if a cyst needed draining. I prayed that I'd be comforted. I prayed for peace...but what else? I prayed the words "....or just make it go away, Lord." Here's the issue. I mumbled those words a few times, but I don't think that I actually thought that it would happen. Where was my faith? I thought that I totally put my faith in Jesus, but I fell short. I uttered those words with the smallest piece of faith behind them (ya, insert the mustard seed passage here)...did I put God in that small box and really think that I could control the outcome by manipulating a prayer (if I pray this way... A + B = C, right?). I didn't even realize the lack of my faith (I'm sorry, Lord...I confess it)... May I learn from this. May I use the words that I pray carefully, and have faith behind every single word, too.

Rolling With the Punches

Sometimes, I just feel a bit beat up. Then again, I realize that there are a lot of people out there who have it worse than me. Here's my latest...
Last Thursday I went to my yearly OBGYN exam (fun times). While there, I asked her about some pain (in my armpit & breast) that I've been having. She did a physical exam & found a "nodule" (great). She then proceeded to tell me that I needed to see the surgeon (and soon) to get this checked out (super great).
Well, I'm heading in on Monday at 1:00 to a breast specialist & surgeon to get this diagnosed. Here's my silver lining: The surgeon is a mammogram specialist as well & will be able to tell me right away what's going on (instead of waiting for someone else to read the tests & call me back)... Ya, that's all of the silver lining that I've got right now....I'm praying that I'll be updating this blog tomorrow with good news!

More Test Results

We've gotten more test results back from Little Guy's MRI and lab work. I've been holding my breath hoping and praying for the best, and God has blessed us again with good news. His labs don't indicate anything suspicious, and his MRI is clear of any masses. However, he does have a stubborn case of sinusitis. It's what is probably causing the weird eye issues. Our neurologist told me that she suspects that it was related to something viral or muscular that was causing the brain to "neglect" the muscles that work the eye.

We'll be heading back to our pediatrician to treat the sinusitis with a hardy round of antibiotics! Praise the Lord!

Results & Update

I got Little Guy's EEG results in the mail today. It was a big relief to read that we don't have to head in to the hospital to have another test done (Meaning: he cooperated enough during the office EEG to not disturb the test), and that his results were normal.

The next bridge to cross comes tomorrow. We'll be paying the hospital a visit to have a MRI of the brain done in the afternoon. Little Guy will have to be sedated by anesthesia, and that will be no fun for me to watch.

I'm praying that these results also come back normal, and that the problem with his eye will be muscular that will have to be monitored over the next few years as he developes further and grows.

Here we go, again...

So, my little guy (the two year old) has been doing some weird things with one eye. That led me to visit the pediatrician; he sent me to the neurologist. She's issuing tests (EEG & MRI)...
Not too long ago, we had to go through similar testing for my little big guy (the seven year old) for his headaches.
So....here we go, again...

Tonight, We Dance

We have a little tradition in our family. Well, it's more like outbursts of dance parties, and tonight we had one. Mommy or Daddy turn up some tunes & everyone lets loose with their best moves. Tonight was even more free & fantastic. We danced knowing that our little big guy is "tumor free." I danced thanking God for these miracles. I watched my son dance & thanked God for this outcome. I watched my daughter dance and thought about precious Ava Hunter who went to be the Lord several weeks ago...she would have turned six years old today & I thanked God for my little girl being here, this side of heaven for me to love on. I saw my youngest smile and dance with no inhibitions about anything & I saw myself like that, if only for a few precious moments tonight...I can dance...

Stop Your Whining

I am grateful for my family. Even though we seem to have our bumps in the road with health, they don't compare to so many others who are hurting for their children and begging God to heal them...through Ava's Daddy's blog (www.joshuajoelhunter.blogspot.com) I "met" this family ( http://thematthewsstory.com) and have been praying for them. Their story is nothing short of amazing...please, pray for them

What's Going On

Since my last blog:

My mother in law had open heart surgery & is doing well...

We're still waiting to see an endocrinologist for my son's condition...

I have been maintaining my weight loss & now that I've been cleared by my doctors (clear CT heart scan) I'm back at the gym to lose the last 30 lbs before our next decision...

Our house has had two offers put in on it...

We don't know when or where we'd be moving...

Therefore, I can't seem to organize my thoughts well enough to complete an entertaining blog. So this is what you get...boring, I know...Here's a picture that may end this on a good note, though!

Dare for a Swim?

I have an analogy that roams around in my mind. I see it like this:


Whenever I feel like I am stepping out into the great big ocean of God's work and blessing, Satan's sharks come swarming in. I dip a toe in, and one or two show up. Will I be brave enough to dive in even though the seeming danger is looming around me?



You see, I want to step out, and every time that we do as a family, something gets in our way to shake our foundation. The latest quake, our son's health. That's a big deal. We've dealt with our share of health issues as a mom and dad...but not our kids. These are really big sharks, here.



That makes me think, What is Satan trying to stop? What great things are in store if I do step out in faith? There must be something big in this ocean, a huge treasure trove just waiting to be discovered. Wish us luck! No wait, pray for us!

Not so Fast...

OK, so yesterday we got great news that my son's MRI came back normal with no problems...GREAT! Not so fast....today we got the report back from his bloodwork. Something isn't right with his thyroid levels. So, back to the lab we went & now we are waiting on those results.
I'm terrified and feel like crying, but I want to lean on the Lord. I want to be strong for him, and not cause any more worry that he has to endure. Therefore, this blog is my outlet. I will cry when all are asleep & will hide out in another room if need be.
As I wait for these results, please, pray if you read this...I need it...even if this turns out to be nothing, I need it now for the unknown...and lets face it...I'm not that strong....

Small Update

Well, two out of the three tests have been completed. By 3:00 this afternoon all three tests will be over with. Here comes the really hard part...waiting. I learned from the doctor's office this morning that they don't call UNLESS there is an abnormal result. Otherwise, you get a letter in the mail. Great, that means that every time my phone rings in a twelve hour period for about a week, I'll feel absolutely sick to my stomach.
Do me a favor, don't call...text.

Heading in for tests tomorrow...

I'm taking my son in tomorrow for the MRI and bloodwork portion of testing. Clearly, I am anxious about this, but I am doing my best to not show that during the day. As a result, my anxiety pours out other places. Things seem to bother me more; I see that I'm hyper sensitive to words and actions, and all at the same time I feel like I am pushing people away without meaning to....or maybe they're pushing me away?

Update on My Guy...

My husband and I took my son to the neurologist this afternoon. I was hoping for a "no big deal" speech (although I knew better in my heart), and she suggested further testing. This Saturday, we'll be venturing to our local hospital for an MRI & bloodwork, and at the beginning of next week he'll have an EEG performed in her office.
I'm trying to suck it up and be strong for him (and his sake), but it can be a bit rough at times. Keep praying & thanks!

All Choked Up...

So, every time I think about this guy, I get choked up...I'm still scared and feel uneasy about his headaches (he's still having them) & I don't really want to blog about it, but I'm still praying about our neurologist appointment this Thursday....Could you pray, too?

Get Out of Funky Town...

What a dangerous thing having a blog is. Why, you may ask? Because, ever since last Thursday I have been in a huge funk. Now, where else can a person vent their internal frustrations that the everyday world can't know about? Her blog of course! Here we go:

My oldest son has headaches. He's had them since he was around three years old (close to four). Anyway, they have now progressed to where they can make him sick to his stomach. Not only does my heart ache for him, but my brain will not stop turning fearing what is in his. (Warning, this may not make sense to a rational person).

Ever since school has started, he gets one of these wretched monsters once every week. The day varies, but they come every week....just once. Once is enough to get me on the crazy train. At a well child visit for my four year old, I mentioned this to his pediatrician. She suggested that we now consult a children's neurologist (Gulp, say what?).

Yes, so ever since that moment, I have been in a funk. I can't sleep well (even though I could just stay in bed). I am worrying over his health. I am fearful of what we'll find out. I'm dreading this visit, but it can't come soon enough. I burst into tears when I'm alone. I check on him a dozen times a night. I hug him longer, tell him I love him all of the time and I miss him when he's away, terribly.

I forget to shower...I honestly forgot to shower...my mind is so full of fear and crappy thoughts that I am neglecting myself. I don't want to bother my friends or family with my fears. Mostly, the subject gets quickly changed or I'm hiding out. I have health issues going on myself, but I don't really care...I have a CT scan myself on Thursday for my heart and how it's functioning, but I don't care...I care about him...

Ya'll I'm scared for my sweet boy. I love him so very much, and I don't want anything to be wrong with him. I pray to God every moment that he'll protect him (and everyone else in our family). Tears are streaming down my face as I type...my emotions are raw and exposed, but no one really reads this anyway, right...so strip them down, right?

Pray for him...please, pray for him. His mama is so scared...

Another log on the fire....

It all started a little over a week ago. I was carrying my youngest into my daughter's preschool for pickup. When I sat down, I noticed a pain in my left side of my chest. (Ouch). To a "normal" person, this pain would have probably been ignored, but not by me. I kept checking my blood pressure and heart rate. The pain subsided. (Great, crisis averted).

However, while everyone rested that night, it all began again & was in different places on my left side (neck, shoulder, back...AHHH!). So, I did what any reasonable person would do (never think reasonably); I googled my symptoms (heart attack, what?!). Great, so now I was having the symptoms of a dire emergency. I tried to sleep it off, but the pain returned and remained.
I headed to see my GP to be safe and proactive (ya, and to ease my inner hypochondriac). He ran an EKG, listened to my heart and gave me the all clear (after telling me a horrid story of his worst heart attack patient who was 31...HUH?!). He did tell me that if my symptoms worsened or I began feeling ill, come back.

I left feeling reassured that I had pulled a muscle or was suffering from acid reflux. I could rest easy (ya, right). At least that is what I thought until I started getting clammy and nauseous the next evening (really? yes, really). Of course the GP office was closed at this point and my husband wasn't home. So, my parents came over & when my husband did make it home we were off to the ER.

They ran another EKG, chest xray, and blood work to check for the worst things (my blood pressure was great, by the way...go figure). My pains were still happening, and I was pretty scared at this point. They let me know that all was fine, but I needed to get a stress test done as soon as possible (great...).

After many phone calls (and annoying people) later, I had an appointment for a stress echocardiogram test (fancy phrase, I know). Yesterday, I found the building and was instantly horrified by the requirements. What is worse than running on a treadmill to test your hearts function? How about running in a hospital gown with no shirt or support (yes, that means bra) underneath? (In front of a man my age, nonetheless). Oh, and did I mention that I was wiped down with rubbing alcohol and my skin was sandpapered to attach the electrodes? (Yes, it burned...). I was one "are you ok?" from a total breakdown sob fest on the treadmill. My dignity stripped to nothing, I ran for ten minutes...this is what nightmares are made of, people!
Now I wait. Wednesday I have to head back to this office of torture and find out my results.

Forgive me for not being excited. In the meantime, I am enjoying my family. I see how wonderfully blessed I am to have the family that I do. I am even blessed to go through these trials of blood pressure, potential heart issues and preeclampsia to know how blessed I truly am (this is the craziest statement ever made, I know). If you'd like to pray for these results, I'd really appreciate it. I want to enjoy my family for many years to come!