Putting it out there...

Ok, don't tell anyone, but I'm overweight. Shocking, I know! I understand that I have pounds to lose, and I have accepted the challenge head on. For about six weeks now I have been kicking my rear into gear at the gym. I am eating better and more often. Learning to eat more often has actually been a hard lesson. I wasn't consuming enough calories to actually burn fat.
As a result of all of this effort, I have lost eighteen pounds. EIGHTEEN! My doctor told me to lose thirty before thinking of having another baby to help manage my blood pressure and to avoid preeclampsia, again. Well, I am over halfway to that point! As for planning another baby, we go to see ANOTHER doctor in August to get his opinion on the subject. I have seen two other doctors about this subject, and I'm not satisfied with those visits. Call me an overachiever, but I want to do everything in my ability to make sure that I get the best information to make an educated decision. If you think I'm crazy, go back and read the posts from 2008 to see the craziness that we dealt with!
Until that decision is made, it couldn't hurt to drop a few more pounds. Perhaps, one of these days I'll be brave enough to show photos! Gasp!

Harsh Reality

Most of the time my blog entries are feel good surface feelings and goings on, but allow me to be quite frank. I am in mourning. I am mourning a child that I never had or will have. I pack maternity clothes with tears, and I sob when packing away the baby clothes that I fear will never be used again. It seems crazy, but I feel an emptiness. One doctor says that I should not have more kids, another says it would be fine. Who do I listen to?

I wasn't prepared for this to be my last pregnancy. We "planned" on one more. I wasn't finished! I wasn't ready to put this all behind me and never hold a newborn again! I never ever thought that anything like this would block my way. Sure, we could go against medical advice (of some) and do it again. But I would be risking my very life. Wouldn't that be incredibly selfish; to risk my life, the life of other around me if I had to go on bed rest, and my family's future? Still, I feel empty.

I wonder what he/she would have looked like. I wonder if my little girl would have a sister. I wonder if I'd be fine with no complications and if I am missing out because of fear. I struggle. I mourn. I cry. I feel weak. I feel so sad. I feel like an idiot crying over it when I have three healthy kids that keep me busy. Still, I feel it. It hurts; will it always haunt me?

What does God really want? Does he want me to adopt, try again in faith, or do nothing? Questions without definite answers. Tears without reason, and mourning for someone that never lived. That is my harsh reality.

Yes, No, Yes, No...YO-YO

Ever since I learned that having more children wouldn't be a good choice (according to my doctor), we have been contemplating adoption as an option for our family.
**Alright, calm down; we aren't doing this like tomorrow or even next week. It would be more like in a year or more to even start the process. **
Stephen and I decided that we would want to adopt from Russia. However, when I was going through applications and agencies I discovered that the parents have strict medical requirements, as well. If you remember, Stephen had melanoma three years ago (screeching tires sound here).
That led me to call every adoption agency that I could research to see if we are automatically discounted from the running. So far, two agencies have said that the possibility is zero, and four agencies have said that it may require more paperwork but do-able....
The roller coaster never stops...

Pills....

Well...here's a little update about me. I stopped taking one of the two pills, and have been two-pill-free for eight days today. (step forward...) I did attempt to take NO pills for three days; however, last night, my numbers shot up (after a Samuel Adams during dinner...). It didn't go down throughout the night and in the morning I caved taking the pill.
In less than five minutes, my blood pressure dropped to a "normal" level. That tells me that a part of this is just me stressing over numbers. After taking the pill, I felt defeated and discouraged. Stephen reminds me that I am heading in the right direction. It wasn't long ago that I couldn't make it through the day w/out three pills, then two, now one, and eventually none.
Now I am relaxing with low BP readings (110/70's)....
Next week I am going to my OBGYN for the last time (six week pp checkup) and then my GP doctor at the end of the week....we'll see what they say....

What We've Been Waiting For!

Announcing the Arrival of :

Samuel Colton Bock

Born 12/19/08

7 lbs. 7 ozs. 19 3/4''

Samuel "God hears and is faithful"

Colton "Bringing light to the dark town"

After everything that this pregnancy has brought us, we are praising God for the healthy arrival of our new little boy!

Here is a story of the journey!

We arrived at the hospital on Friday morning (9:00am). I was scheduled for a ECV (external version to turn a breech baby) with a possible C-section. Because the possibility of an emergency C-section I was placed on that floor close to the ER. I received an operating room dose of an epidural (where my blood pressure dipped up and down with waves of nausea...totally gross btw...). When I was totally numb, the doctor came in and gave me a dose of another med. that would relax my uterus (and make my heart race...bringing on more nausea...yuck). The ultrasound was used to locate the head and rear of the baby, and he began turning the baby by maneuvering him from the outside. He'd stop every few moments to check the baby's heart rate and tolerance. After a few minutes, the baby turned head down and stayed there with a very strong heart rate! PRAISE GOD! The staff was actually surprised, as apparently these maneuvers aren't usually successful. God hears and is faithful!

After that, we were moved to labor and delivery. My epidural wore off, and I received med. to induce labor. That all began at 2:oo in the afternoon. Seven hours later, I was ready to bring this baby into the world. The doctor was called, and the baby came shortly after his arrival (2 pushes for those who care...).

When I heard his cries I was crying. I concentrated on the pediatric nurse working on him, trying to read her expression. I wanted someone to tell me that he was totally fine and "normal". Finally, Stephen walked over to let me know that all was great. I broke down into tears that I have been holding onto for six months. God hears and is faithful!

Needless to say, we are praising God for our miracle, and we thank all of those who have traveled this journey with us. We obviously named him accordingly (plus, his initials are the same as Stephen's). We will be calling him Colton, and we are praising God for him every moment!

Baby Poll

Alrighty, lets have some fun with this baby thing! I'm taking a poll...leave a comment with your guess on the following:

Gender of Baby Bock:

Birth Time/Date of Baby Bock:

Weight of Baby Bock:

Length of Baby Bock:

Means of Delivery (C-section or "naturally"):

Maybe the winner will be rewarded with a gift card (?)....Lets see how ya'll do!

Baby, Get Ready!

Well, we now have a plan! Friday, December 19, 2008, we'll will check into the hospital for the doctor to try the ECV (turning the baby). Prayerfully, he'll be successful, and I will be induced at that point. If not, the c-section that I've been trying to avoid will come into play! One way or another, Baby Bock will make his/her debut. Then everyone gets to find out whether or not we've been carrying around a baby girl or boy.....stay tuned!

Worth Celebrating

Thank you for all of your prayers lately!

Plus, thank you God for blessing us so quickly!

Today, December 13, 2008....

Our little a/c was resurrected from the depths!

(Did you think that I had a baby?)

Three leaks were located, sealed, and had caps replaced to

prevent future problems!

It has been said that this week may reach the 80's here,

and now I can endure it without completely melting!

It doesn't take much to make a pregnant

lady happy, does it?

By the way, I am 37 weeks and 3 days!

Monday I will be right back at the doctor's office,

and I will be blogging with further updates soon!

Now, lets cheer on baby Bock to

TURN BABY TURN!!!

Good News or Bad News?

Do you want the good news or the bad news first?

Bad news: Baby Bock has not yet turned into the correct position for delivery at almost 37 weeks gestation.

Good news: I don't have a c-section scheduled, yet. Plus, there is no sign of a physical problem with the baby causing him/her not to turn.

Here is our game plan. Monday (Dec. 15) I will pay another visit to the doctor to see if my body is making any process towards delivery. If so, I will be scheduled to check into the hospital to try to move the baby. If the doctor is successful, I will be induced that day. If there isn't any change, I will have a c-section (scheduled or otherwise).

December is HERE!

Yeah, December is here! My favorite time of year! I love the lights, smells, sounds, and feel of this month! This weekend we'll kick it off by going to a town parade, visit Santa Claus, and bake some yummy cookies!

I finished my shopping in early November; but this year, the best present will be, adding a new baby to our family! What a precious gift! Not to mention, the wonderful family and friends we are blessed with throughout the year!

Don't forget, we'll be going to see the specialist Dec. 8th to find out if this little one has settled into the correct position. If not, we could be celebrating his/her birthday by Dec. 12 !

I've been keeping a secret....

I must confess a secret. There hasn't been many moments since June that I've been confident in this pregnancy. Ever since getting news that there could be a problem, I've held my breath. Every time a test comes and goes a part of me won't let go of the worry.

Now another hurdle? I know that it isn't super uncommon for a baby to be breech, but there are studies that show there could be potential neurological problems associated with breech babies; that worries me. Could this be why my initial tests came back problematic? (A question that is nagging at me.)

I didn't realize how I've suppressed my worry since our last tests came back favorable, but apparently, they're still hiding within. Maybe that is why I have been trying everything so aggressively to make this baby turn, but with every day that passes...it gets harder. I just need to know that this baby is OK, and the only way to do that is to have him/her here.

I am praying in these last weeks that God restores His peace within me, and that our baby will be born (with out surgery) healthy, healthy, healthy.... if you can join me, please do!

Sunny Side Up

Well, we went to the doctor yesterday for a routine ultrasound and found out that our baby is now breech. This baby had been head down from the very beginning. Imagine our surprise (and disappointment) when we saw the head near my rib cage. Now I wait. In two weeks, we go back to the specialist to see what baby Bock decided to do. We are praying for a flip (just one) by 36 weeks. I do not want to have surgery and the recovery that goes along with it right at Christmas time. So join me once again, please, prayer people....!

The Sex of the Baby IS....

Take the poll and tell me what you think it is....

I'm Not Lying!

Every time that I go to the doctor, I feel as though I am trying to pass an impossible test. Whether it be my blood pressure, weight, or blood work of some kind I sense an underlying expectancy that I must adhere to. Talk about pressure.

Obviously, today I went to my doctor. My blood pressure was 130/80. I was actually quite proud of that, seeing that it was 144/94 at one point. However, when in the exam room my doctor questions me about high blood pressure symptoms at home. People, I have said that my pressure goes up at the doctor's office. I have told him about it. Yet, every single time it is as though he thinks that I am lying to his face, or something. Actually, my reading at home is usually 117/74! I am NOT lying?

What would I benefit from lying to my health care professional? I know that consequences of hypertension, preeclampsia, and toxemia. I am a medical junkie! I also know unhealthy cheating ways to get my pressure down, but I don't wish to sink that low and possible harm my baby.

Already, he has hinted at the fact I'll be put on bed rest at the end of this pregnancy. Plus, they will monitor the baby every four weeks by ultra sound. Did I mention that I am only 20 weeks, and I have to see my doctor every 2 weeks....both of them (specialist and OBGYN)....yes, that's right and I don't have anything medically wrong with me, as of yet.

Now ask me why I hate going to doctors, getting tested for anything, and having any symptoms of illness. One more thing, my sister is expecting in a different part of the country. She has had more weight gain, higher pressure than mine at times, sugar in her samples, and is 7 1/2 years older than me....never once has her doctor made a big deal about any of these things... rest assured, if I had even one of these issues I'd probably be typing this blog from a bed at Winnie Palmer Hospital.

Pregnancy From My Perspective....

You Know You're Pregnant When.....

1) You pass up yummy frozen drinks at the beach

2) Your "skinny" jeans involve a four inch waist band

3) Your allergies are acting up and you are unable to pop a pill

4) You cry at sappy Publix commercials

5) Being stuck with needles at the OBGYN multiple times become routine

6) While gaining weight you actually want rigorous exercise but can't

7) You think that your feet are the sexiest thing on your body

8) You read every label and have your doctor on speed dial

9) You feel justified for eating anything at anytime and anywhere

10) You pop your belly out at the hopes that people notice you're pregnant and not just oddly proportioned

Great News!

Today I got great news from the doctor. The baby does not have any chromosomal defects! Hurray! Our prayers have been answered. I can finally breathe, again. What a wonderful early birthday present!

This has been the hardest obstacle that I personally had to overcome to date. I am sure that this won't be the last hurdle in my path, but with every experience like this I grow. I've tried to "count it all joy" and to "trust in the Lord" (some times better than other times....but hey, I'm human). Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Please, celebrate with me....!!!!!

Taking it "easy"

I know that most people would enjoy the excuse of not being able to do anything, but it does get old after a while. It is Saturday, almost noon, and I'm ready to be back to my normal way of things. Yesterday, I started anticipating a call back from the doctor's office that should come in on Monday. That will be able to give me some initial results from the amnio. The full report takes about two weeks.

I try to imagine what the nurse will say, and what my reaction will be. This has definitely been the hardest and bumpiest road that I've personally traveled to date. Its also hard when you feel that others around you don't understand or appreciate the severity or the weight of it. It is hard to explain and defend my emotions, but I don't exactly know if I need to, either. For I know that if others experienced this same dilemma, their reactions and feelings would want to be warranted and sympathized by others. Regardless of the outcome, my feelings aren't going to change. I pray for good results.

Trying to Breathe

"Trust in the Lord with all of your heart...."
I have heard, read, and memorized this verse so many times throughout the years, and it is one that I struggle with so much. Sometimes, anxiety rushes over me, and I feel disappointed in myself that I have let it invade my mind, again. Other people try to remind me to cling to this verse, but that makes me feel worse knowing that I have these words from God and I still struggle. It isn't like I don't want to "let go and let God." It is that I pray and rely, but emotions still linger within my heart.

Is that wrong? Can someone, totally, give up a burden mind, body and soul? To feel absolutely no anxiety at all? Wow....maybe I am not that spiritually advanced....

Whatever the case, I am waiting on results from the amnio. The doctor may call tomorrow with initial results about two "defects." You already know that I am struggling, but I don't want to admit it. Consider this me being transparent and confessing before God and everyone else.....

Yuck, I know!

Ok people! Today I got my stitches out from my mole-ectomy (I'm not sure that is even a word but it's a fun word). All went well and now I have a tiny hole that needs to heal up. Remember, when it comes to marks on your skin...."When in doubt, get it checked out!"....Oh! Please, pray for us tomorrow...(btw)...I am having the amniocentesis and will be on bed rest for 2 days after. Please, pray for great results and safety during the procedure....THANKS!

Thought?

Thoughts that Have Crossed My Mind Today

1) Five Days Until My Amniocentesis

2) Could my new neighbors be any more annoying

(Shooting Off Last Nights Extra Fireworks at 10 in the am)?

3) Why does my dog escape to sit on the front porch?

4) Do I really have to clean up this entire house myself?

5) How much is a maid service, really...

6) Could there be something wrong with my baby?

7) How hard is it for a four year old to put away puzzle pieces

(the first time he's asked)?

8) Why do kid shows make me feel so comfy and nice?

9) My stitches are itching me like mad.

(Is that normal?)

10) I wish that I had some other good news about the baby....

So there are my thoughts.....random....but on a Saturday, that's all I've got! Please continue to pray for our family; I know that it has been a long road, and thank you for enduring it with us!