We ARE Different

   
       When you jump back onto a blog ten years later, a lot of things change. For us, the most obvious change has been the number of people in our family. For those who don't know, our family essentially doubled when we began our journey of foster care several years ago. Before your instinctive responses kick in, "Oh, that's amazing," "I could never do that," "You guys are saints," let me assure you might be right! Did I just say that? I sure did. There is something that sets families apart who are knee deep in foster care, sacrifice.

     Are you still sure that you want to keep reading? I've been told more than once that I'm too blunt sometimes, but here is where it gets interesting.

     Most folks don't start out their early adulthood wanting to do much for other people. They're usually interested in building their life an family. Sure, they stop once in a while to help others, as long as it doesn't require too much sacrifice or growth, within their own bubble. Foster care is the complete opposite of that. The bubble has to readjust every time a new child comes into your home, and we all know that growth hurts. Foster care hurts you (if you're doing it right). Whether a part of the system or not, the vast majority of people outright judge you for your choices, responses and even sacrifices.

     Sacrifice Number One: People.
          When people do not understand something, they usually judge it to see where their opinion might fall. Then, they usually become an expert on their own opinions, right? We expect those judgments and opinions to come from those whom do not know us, but you'll begin to hear and see responses from friends and family, too! Lets also not forget the people within the system. The majority are understanding and supportive, but once in a while you come across those who have forgotten or just never had it (the understanding of what a foster parent is, why we do it & the sacrifices made to continue).  In turn, the foster family will put distance between themselves and those people to preserve themselves. Instead, we might cling to our own, families who foster or keep a selected few close to us to keep us sane and focused.

     Sacrifice Number Two: Places.
          Let us begin with the obvious, most families who foster have children who don't match them. People will notice this, and they begin to ask questions. It's not the questions that bother me, for sure. It is the comments after the questions that can scrape at my nerves. If one must count the number of children in a group, do so quietly without pointing. Is that even possible? How is it that most people function on a daily basis of being able to count closed mouthed without fingers or expression when it comes to mundane items, but as soon as one must count humans they become animated and verbal? But, let me focus back onto places, pardon my rabbit hole. Where do I even begin: restaurants, hotels, amusement parks, the movies, and many other places that require a lot of money or room, these places are a given, because even average sized families don't frequent them often. It's not that we never go, we just show up with coupons in hand or perhaps at a group rate discount, or when kids eat free!  But, do you know one of the places where we must be quite selective: churches and places of worship. Is that surprising? Childcare for our a-typical children, rooms full of well meaning conversationalists, and sermons stacked full of doing more for others when you're almost tapped out from the week prior are just a few pieces to the puzzle we must consider when choosing where our safe places will be. Does this make us unapproachable? Not at all, and you don't even have to offer to babysit! Just talk with us like any other family there, and steer clear of the story of that one foster child you heard of growing up that was bipolar and burned a house down on your block.

     Sacrifice Number Three. Things.
            Most people will sacrifice things if they have any children, anyway. However, when you become a seasoned foster parent, you will realize how keeping up appearances becomes obsolete. Therefore, your desire to get things and keep them pristine will either dissolve into acceptance or become a distant memory of who you once were. I keep telling myself that we'll have or do that later on in life. Our massive van will be messy as quick meals will be eaten there as we rush to support another during a life event or practice.We'll get around to painting the crayon marks, holes in the wall and scuffed doors someday, and one day my couch won't be stained, and bedrooms will be carefully designed and fresh. For now, we're living in a home and making memories.  We are parenting children through their trauma, and things are just things! I told my child (while his 8 year old roommate was destroying the bedroom during a tantrum of anger at life) that anything that breaks, we'll fix or buy another. For the things that we truly care about, aren't really things at all!

      Sacrifice Number Four and Five: Time and Money.
          See prior paragraphs. Parenting takes both of these things, and when you are parenting multiple children that have suffered loss and trauma, it takes even more of these things. So, if you begin your journey without a large flowing income from your own fortune 500, you won't be ending it with it, either.

     This is the part where I'm supposed to wrap everything up in a pretty bow and state something like the sacrifices are all worth it. Not that the statement isn't true, but sometimes there isn't a happy ending. Sometimes, you question if it was or is all worth it (especially when there is zero recognition or thank you's & you get dumped on more of your fair share of the time!). But for some reason, a lot of us keep going (even when discouraged by others to do so). This has become who we are, and we are OK with it. We set aside the glitter of our society, the trappings of promise of fulfillment and enticement of comparison of others. So, ya, maybe we're different, and maybe you couldn't do it. That's OK. We'll do it for you, but maybe extend some encouragement from time to time and hold the judgment. Perhaps, throw a gift card our way for a night out or a grocery store run? Maybe, that's how you can be different from everyone else.