I Need More Prayer...My Storm Continues

Yes, personal struggles sometime make you vulnerable and expose emotion and thoughts when you try your best to suppress them (ask our waitress tonight at the Outback). Lately, I find myself tearing up every time I try to talk about anything to do with a baby. I yearn for the days past when my biggest concern was whether it is a boy or a girl. But my reality is that won't be the case for at least another 3 weeks or perhaps during the duration of this pregnancy. I need prayer for the upcoming appointment and results. I am being selfish and just asking for a completely healthy baby.

Some tell me not to worry or stress over it all, but I can't do that. I have found that this could seriously be the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my lifetime. I've had family members terminally ill; my husband had cancer, and my life has been sprinkled with mundane drama that we all experience. Yet, when it comes to your child....and it is a serious life and death matter....everything is thrown into the air and you are left trying to gather it all up again, put things back into place, but you know that nothing can or will ever be the same again. Even if everything turns out to be fine, I will carry this pain and these thoughts with me throughout my life and reflect on them from time to time. Yes, I will be praising God for the outcome (if all does prove to be fine), but I know that my outlook and view point is forever changed.

That's alright, though. That is how we grow and mature in this life...through trials. Thank you, Lord, for trials. Hard to say it, even harder to mean it. I ask you, please, to continue to pray for our family, for me (peace and joy), for this baby (health), and for the upcoming appointment(s) (for fast test results...and good test results).....There isn't enough words for the thanks I have for those who are carrying this burden with me and are praying for us....

I need good news....

I thought that this was all over; it is not. Today wasn't another doctor day, and it wasn't a great experience. I was informed that I will be going to a specialist to have further testing on our baby. It seems that there could already be a problem for the doctor couldn't find the heart beat today. I was afraid of the rug being pulled from beneath me at this visit, and it was. Please pray for us while we are waiting to see this new doctor and go through more testing.

Honest and Update

Over the last week I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Stephen and I were faced with a potential problem with our unborn child. We were not prepared for this type of news. I was actually ready handle something being wrong with my health, but when the thought of our child being sick came into the picture I didn't know how to handle it. Let me tell you, everything you thought you knew about yourself goes out the window. How you picture yourself handling this kind of news isn't how you end up handling it. I became so detached from everyone, including my baby. I distanced myself from anything to do with babies. No one could snap me out of this.

Even when we went in to see our baby on ultrasound, so that they could investigate further, I wasn't able to own this child. That sounds horrible, I know. This is me being honest. While my husband was smiling and overjoyed seeing a beating heart and kicking legs, I cried. I sobbed, actually. Already, I was mourning. Perhaps, I was preparing myself for the worst possible scenario, or putting up a wall so that I didn't have to deal with a potential harsh reality.

In any case, this isn't how I pictured myself handling a situation like this. All I could do is have people pray for the baby, for me. I clung to the thought that people were lifting us up while I was struggling for a sense of normalcy. I couldn't function. I bought a puzzle....1000 pieces to keep my mind off of the "what if" and my own worst enemy, my imagination. I cried a lot. Sometimes, I would try to sneak off to the bathroom, run the bath water, and just cry until I could breathe. My heart ached and nothing soothed it. The days crawled by....

Today, I anticipated the doctor's office calling me with the results from Friday. Again, I prepared myself for the worst possible thing. I've noticed how often that I do that. My mind always races to the worst end of things, and I try to work my way back from there. It's hard to work your way back, by the way.

I picked up my son from VBS as we were getting back into the car, the nurse called. I stopped still and held my breath. They read the results and found the baby to be fine. (Breathe out, Kelli). The measurements were right on, and the nuchal translucency testing came back with a 2mm (they investigate further if it measures 3mm). She also informed me that other tests didn't seem necessary. I cried and laughed at the same time. The nurse, Dawn, has no idea what an impact she has made on my life. I thanked her, hung up, and got behind the wheel of the car.
Finally it sank in; I could see myself holding a healthy baby...I thought about a new stroller. All of these things that I had blocked off came rushing back into play. My baby is fine....thank you Jesus! I stopped and screamed in delight while thanking God for helping me and our family.

Hopefully, this will be the last bump in the pregnancy road. If you'd be willing, I am still asking for prayer....I am coming up from a low and down from a high at once, and I am still a little hesitant celebrating thinking that perhaps I may have to have further testing. I don't want to feel the blow of something like this again, so I will remain guarded until I can hold this little bundle in my arms!

Thank you for praying. God is faithful....and today, my baby is fine!

Oddly Enough

Oddly enough, my last blog was an entry on how God had answered prayer. Now, my family needs prayer for our unborn baby. I won't go into details or explanations. I am just asking for prayer. Another test will be given on Friday and results won't be explained until Monday. God answers prayer and is faithful. We are asking for peace, wisdom, healthy baby/mom, and great test results. Thanks.

YES, He's listening!

The Following e-mail was sent to my mother from our good family friend Wendy. She was going in for surgery Wednesday for breast cancer that had come back after ten years of being in remission...PRAISE GOD FOR THIS MIRACLE!

"Lynne...just wanted to update you..I had a great experience..just a miracle...I went to the hospital Wed morning around 5:00 to have surgery..got hooked up to the IV and rolled to the Mammography room to have the needles inserted into the breast so the surgeon would know where the tissue was that needed to be removed and they could NOT find anything in the mammogram....the 2 areas had disappeared and were not visible any more...they kept taking pictures and comparing the new with the ones I had that were abnormal..and could not explain why or where they went...I know it was miraculous and lots of prayers were answered..so they canceled my surgery and I went home...wasn't that a big blessing...I wanted to do flips down the hall..it was such a relief and I was smiling all the way home...hahaha...Thank you very much for your thoughts and prayers....they are powerful and they do work...I do so appreciate it ...with God and all my family and friends prayingfor me...I was able to walk out of the hospital with ease....I send congratulations to Kelli and Kimberly and do hope they are feeling great and will soon have wonderful bundles of joy to present to your family...I'm going to make an extra effort to come and see you guys one day soon....and please do come here anytime...you will not recognize Fayetteville...there have been so many changes and all good....yet it's still HOT...but you're use to that anyway...stay well and tell all hello..thanks again..love you guys, Wendy"

Another Doctor Day!

Let me start by saying that today went better than I anticipated. Stephen was with me throughout the entire day. I went to my OBGYN and my blood pressure was still super high; however, in the parking lot....it was a lot lower. I am now diagnosing myself with white coat syndrome! BUT...my other tests (1) Good Kidney Function 2) No Diabetes, yet!) came back and were totally fine. PLUS, we heard our baby's heart beat. It didn't take the doctor very long to find it, either! The heartbeat is strong and sounds great! I guess that makes it truly real!!!!
Afterwards, we made our way over to our dermatologist. You may know that Stephen had a melanoma a few years ago; now, we go every year for check ups. This time, they decided to biopsy two moles of mine and one of Stephen's. If there is anything suspicious about them they will call us by Tuesday. SO, please be praying that they aren't cancerous and that no surgery will be needed.
OK, there is my update...go call or hug a family member and be grateful to God that you have that ability!

Raw Emotions

A truer statement has never been spoken. No other word stirs up the same emotion within me. The word that took my grandmother, tried to steal my husband, and has crept into so many other lives that touch mine. Like Satan, it comes in many forms; randomly slithering silently in and out of families breaking them down to a bare core of hope and raw emotions. I despise the name.

Lately, this disease has effected many around me. I will be praying for these people and their families...please join me whether you know them or not.

Carla, Vicki, Wendy, Betty-Sue, Matt, Lora, Delores, Lynn

For my Granny:

I love you and miss you so very much. My family visits your resting spot as often as we can; although, I know that you are not there. I try to pick flowers and colors that you'd like. I missed you at my graduation, wedding, and during the birth of your great grandchildren. I know that you would have loved them so much. I'm sorry for not being there during the end when you were in so much pain. Mom thought it would be best that way, and I know that you didn't want us to see you that way. I regret it, though. If I ever disappointed you, forgive me. I love you and cry to you often. There are so many other things that I want to say to you, but it falls upon deaf ears. One day, I will be able to sit and chat with you about it all.....until then, Granny, thanks for the meals, go fish, night time comforts, and love that I hope you felt, too. I love you.

Is this thing on?

Hello, is my computer working? Am I somehow living in a parallel universe where life seems to be going on around me; however, life has really ceased to exist, and the only way I am going to find this out is through blogspot? Is anyone still out there? This kind of feels like a plot from a low budget sci-fi movie...huh...