Reflecting

While we were away celebrating the life Clarence Bowman (1920 - 2009), I was reminded what was important in life. Grandpa Clare was a man that passed with no regrets, no anger towards others, and no strife. He loved his wife, friends, family, and life. He was a practical joker, singer, entertainer, and loved by many. Shouldn't we live that way today; so that at the end of our lives people can say the same about us? Life IS too short for bickering in any form. No matter how different we are; truly, we are the same. Perhaps this is one lesson taken away from a time of grief....By this all will know that you are My (Jesus') disciples, if you have love for one another....

As uncle Jim put it..."Every time a bell rings....That a boy Clarence; that a boy!"

Harsh Reality

Most of the time my blog entries are feel good surface feelings and goings on, but allow me to be quite frank. I am in mourning. I am mourning a child that I never had or will have. I pack maternity clothes with tears, and I sob when packing away the baby clothes that I fear will never be used again. It seems crazy, but I feel an emptiness. One doctor says that I should not have more kids, another says it would be fine. Who do I listen to?

I wasn't prepared for this to be my last pregnancy. We "planned" on one more. I wasn't finished! I wasn't ready to put this all behind me and never hold a newborn again! I never ever thought that anything like this would block my way. Sure, we could go against medical advice (of some) and do it again. But I would be risking my very life. Wouldn't that be incredibly selfish; to risk my life, the life of other around me if I had to go on bed rest, and my family's future? Still, I feel empty.

I wonder what he/she would have looked like. I wonder if my little girl would have a sister. I wonder if I'd be fine with no complications and if I am missing out because of fear. I struggle. I mourn. I cry. I feel weak. I feel so sad. I feel like an idiot crying over it when I have three healthy kids that keep me busy. Still, I feel it. It hurts; will it always haunt me?

What does God really want? Does he want me to adopt, try again in faith, or do nothing? Questions without definite answers. Tears without reason, and mourning for someone that never lived. That is my harsh reality.

Adventures in Homeschooling

After many months of wrestling with the decision about where to send our oldest to school this coming fall we arrived at the home-schooling through a private school option, and here is what I have learned thus far:

1) Picking curriculum is not a job for the weak of heart, mind or patience

2) Making lesson plans is a job for a mind reader...look at the calendar, predict the future of what we'll accomplish that day, and for how long

3) The people you thought would question your decision may support you; however, some people that you though would never question you, do.

4) I've never been so excited or convicted about what I must/can do to make my child's life a steady and firm foundation for his future

5) I need prayer

Big Money

I know that you've thought about it, fantasized about it, and probably (if you are like me) planned it.....What would you do if you won the lotto? Here what crosses my mind:

1) I don't think about winning unless the total sum surpasses 100 million dollars...it's good to set goals!

2) I know that I would tithe...but I try to figure out how much would go where...and what really constitutes tithing...does it have to be an organization or could it be specific people?

3) I think about sharing some of the winnings with our family....but it makes me ponder in what way...actual cash, paying off debt, buying presents...?

4) Where would we have a vacation home...there are so many choices and places that are wonderful...

5) How many people would we see come out of the woodwork?

Ya, all tough decisions...but I think that I can handle it!