Most of the time my blog entries are feel good surface feelings and goings on, but allow me to be quite frank. I am in mourning. I am mourning a child that I never had or will have. I pack maternity clothes with tears, and I sob when packing away the baby clothes that I fear will never be used again. It seems crazy, but I feel an emptiness. One doctor says that I should not have more kids, another says it would be fine. Who do I listen to?
I wasn't prepared for this to be my last pregnancy. We "planned" on one more. I wasn't finished! I wasn't ready to put this all behind me and never hold a newborn again! I never ever thought that anything like this would block my way. Sure, we could go against medical advice (of some) and do it again. But I would be risking my very life. Wouldn't that be incredibly selfish; to risk my life, the life of other around me if I had to go on bed rest, and my family's future? Still, I feel empty.
I wonder what he/she would have looked like. I wonder if my little girl would have a sister. I wonder if I'd be fine with no complications and if I am missing out because of fear. I struggle. I mourn. I cry. I feel weak. I feel so sad. I feel like an idiot crying over it when I have three healthy kids that keep me busy. Still, I feel it. It hurts; will it always haunt me?
What does God really want? Does he want me to adopt, try again in faith, or do nothing? Questions without definite answers. Tears without reason, and mourning for someone that never lived. That is my harsh reality.
1 comment:
Thanks for your honesty, Kelli. I am sorry for your hurting.
I feel so done with 3. That number was our plan and seems at this point to have put me over the edge (at least some of the time). But, ironically, when Michael had his vasectomy recently, I felt kind of sad about it afterward. It felt final...we won't be having any more children now. I didn't even want more, but I felt an emptiness and a sadness.
I haven't put away the newborn or maternity clothes yet...I am sure that it will be a bit sad and weird.
Miss you, my friend. Wish I could give you a hug and that our kids could play together. I'll bet they would all have a blast.
I will be praying for God to clearly give you the answers to your hard questions.
P.S. Props for finding/making the time to blog. I have been AWOL since Clara.
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