Honest and Update

Over the last week I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Stephen and I were faced with a potential problem with our unborn child. We were not prepared for this type of news. I was actually ready handle something being wrong with my health, but when the thought of our child being sick came into the picture I didn't know how to handle it. Let me tell you, everything you thought you knew about yourself goes out the window. How you picture yourself handling this kind of news isn't how you end up handling it. I became so detached from everyone, including my baby. I distanced myself from anything to do with babies. No one could snap me out of this.

Even when we went in to see our baby on ultrasound, so that they could investigate further, I wasn't able to own this child. That sounds horrible, I know. This is me being honest. While my husband was smiling and overjoyed seeing a beating heart and kicking legs, I cried. I sobbed, actually. Already, I was mourning. Perhaps, I was preparing myself for the worst possible scenario, or putting up a wall so that I didn't have to deal with a potential harsh reality.

In any case, this isn't how I pictured myself handling a situation like this. All I could do is have people pray for the baby, for me. I clung to the thought that people were lifting us up while I was struggling for a sense of normalcy. I couldn't function. I bought a puzzle....1000 pieces to keep my mind off of the "what if" and my own worst enemy, my imagination. I cried a lot. Sometimes, I would try to sneak off to the bathroom, run the bath water, and just cry until I could breathe. My heart ached and nothing soothed it. The days crawled by....

Today, I anticipated the doctor's office calling me with the results from Friday. Again, I prepared myself for the worst possible thing. I've noticed how often that I do that. My mind always races to the worst end of things, and I try to work my way back from there. It's hard to work your way back, by the way.

I picked up my son from VBS as we were getting back into the car, the nurse called. I stopped still and held my breath. They read the results and found the baby to be fine. (Breathe out, Kelli). The measurements were right on, and the nuchal translucency testing came back with a 2mm (they investigate further if it measures 3mm). She also informed me that other tests didn't seem necessary. I cried and laughed at the same time. The nurse, Dawn, has no idea what an impact she has made on my life. I thanked her, hung up, and got behind the wheel of the car.
Finally it sank in; I could see myself holding a healthy baby...I thought about a new stroller. All of these things that I had blocked off came rushing back into play. My baby is fine....thank you Jesus! I stopped and screamed in delight while thanking God for helping me and our family.

Hopefully, this will be the last bump in the pregnancy road. If you'd be willing, I am still asking for prayer....I am coming up from a low and down from a high at once, and I am still a little hesitant celebrating thinking that perhaps I may have to have further testing. I don't want to feel the blow of something like this again, so I will remain guarded until I can hold this little bundle in my arms!

Thank you for praying. God is faithful....and today, my baby is fine!